At the risk of sounding a little grinch-like, I’m not real big on the mall during the holiday season. This is  because on most regular days during the non-holiday season, I feel pretty good about humanity. I don’t mind navigating people to park my car or to look for a new sweater or return a table cloth. However, when the holidays roll around, all bets are off. It seems that in name of Christmas, seemingly normal people turn into raging, greedy consumers. Call me a wimp, but I’d rather just avoid seeing that side of people all together.

All of this being said, a few days ago I found myself here:

Indianapolis Fashion Mall.

I had some errands to run and I am pleased to report that during this trip to the mall I did not lose all faith in humanity. In fact, rather unexpectedly, I got some free entertainment. Below are some of the  hilarious things I witnessed while moving among the masses at the mall:

1. While at Anthropologie*, I overheard the following conversation between a group of middle aged women:

Woman #1: I have these weird red splotches on my cheeks. I just saw them in the mirror.
Woman #2: Do you have dry skin? I have some moisturizer in my purse. [Digs in her purse].
Woman #3: Your skin can get chapped from the cold. I heard that on the Today show. Did you see it?
Woman #1: No, it’s because I’ve been drinking. I have this problem where my cheeks turn pink after I drink wine.
Woman #2 & #3: Are you allergic?
Woman #1: Maybe. There’s something in wine that makes my cheeks turn bright red. I shouldn’t drink while I shop.

*I am not making this up. Also, it was 1:30 in the afternoon and finally, do you think that the mysterious substance that turns your cheeks red could be oh, I don’t know, alcohol?

2.Yeti boots are making a comeback in a big way. If you are not familiar with “yeti boots” see the picture below:

What makes this really funny is that I thought I coined the term “yeti boots.” But a Google search proved otherwise. Although, if you’re hip, you spell it “yeti bootz“

3. At The Gap a very pretty young woman and her  husband have the following conversation:

Woman: Babe, I need some new jeans.
Man: OK. What kind?
Woman: I’m not sure…[she pauses to look through a pile of jeans]
Man: How about these? [he holds up a teeny tiny pair of leggings]
Woman: NO! No, no, no, no…[voice is rising in pitch]
Man: OK [he drops the leggings and backs away from her]
Woman: I can’t wear these! When have I ever worn a size 4? [voice is still rising]*

*I walked away at this point. There’s only so long that you can watch a train wreck.

Also at The Gap I realized that they still have Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” on the  Christmas soundtrack, except in an attempt to show diversity, it is now sung in Spanish? Yeah, I don’t know. 

4. At Crate and Barrel there were two little girls wearing these:

 They were dancing, and I mean for real dancing, in the middle of the store to Jingle Bell Rock. It was awesome.

5. Outside Saks Fifth Avenue some dude says into his cell phone, “Just what the f*ck is a pashmina and where do I buy one?”

Merry Christmas!